Early morning thought.

PIt's 5.20am, day 14 on admission and I sit here in my hospital bed unable to sleep, a constant re-accurance. And as we all do, I think about everything that has happened lately. My mind constantly ticks over - maybe this is why I can't sleep. 

I haven't blogged for awhile and for those that follow me, I apologise, but here we go again - and this time I don't plan to stop. 

Sometimes, I sense like my health is inconvenience for not only me but others around me, family, friends, whatever it may be. I hate thinking that sometimes even when I'm at my sickest, I should stay out of hospital because it will just be easier for all of us involved, especially the ones that invest their time in travelling to see me. I always want to have a 'normal'? life.. Attending parties, get togethers, catchups.. But now it's got to the point where I'm hardly ever invited because people just assume because I've been sick these past 3 months {example} that I'm still sick and can't attend anything at all. Yes it has been more often then not, but I still want to attend them and never miss them. 

By now, I'm 20 years old. I have been 'doing' hospital admissions all my life. So some say I should be 'used to it.' Should I? Is that's why now, the calls have stopped, the flowers don't get ordered, the cards don't get posted and I shouldn't even think about visits? Or maybe it's just because everyone else is used to it except me. That the most regular visitors I have are doctors and nurses and the very few and far between family and friends. Is that why a text with the common 'Love you, hope you're feeling better soon' is sent? 

Maybe. 

What nobody seems to understand is that sitting in a hospital 24-7 for 14 days or longer, staring at 4 walls is the loneliest you could ever be. 

Everyone n your life has a different role, I guess. Whether it's to be by your side 24/7 or to be a distant friend or family member rarely spoken to and I guess that's why I shouldn't hold grudges if someone I expect to contact me whilst in hospital doesn't - because maybe they're toxic to our lives and that's Gods way of just telling you it's okay to not have them around.