Uncertainty.. Something I'm struggling with. How can you ask for reassurance about something that isn't garaunteed? It's like asking for your death date. 

My St. Vincent's/Transplant team appointment approaches closer and closer and the closer it comes, the more scared I am. Is this what I want? Is this the right decision? On paper, yes. I'm looking right down the barrel of being an almost perfect candidate for bilateral lung transplant but that doesn't mean when I wake up, life's going to be roses and butterflies. It could though. 

As another hospital admission fast approaches, I'm not sure if it's right to wonder whether I should just let my body take it's own toll and go when originally planned, or whether I should take the gamble of a second chance and possibly live a long prosperous life... Or maybe struggle even harder? The thing is, I still have so much to do, so much to see, so many aspirations, goals...

I've never met anyone on the other side of transplant who regrets their decision, including the ones who currently and still struggle and fight. Even the ones who lost their life, always reminded me that it was the best decision they had made in their life. 

If I could have one wish, it would be to sit down and talk with God just so I could know his plan for me. Just because my decision is pretty much made, doesn't mean it's the right one. I just want to see the light at the end of the tunnel.