This road to transplant tests me everyday. It causes me to feel not only physical pain but emotional pain. To feel failure, to feel sadness. To feel weakness, and to feel different. This past week I have been struggling the most. I was told by my transplant team recently about all the chest drains, the catheters, the central lines I'll have right after my transplant. About the induced coma I'll be put in from 2-3 days. The life support. The medication. Although I had already heard about most of these things, hearing it from my transplant doctor just made it all so real and I guess, official. 

To tell you the truth, I don't want to do this. Not one bit. But you know what else I don't want to do? Die. So which option do I take? I've got nothing to lose so I figured I may as well take the plunge. 

I don't consider myself strong. Everybody tells me I am but I kind of think they just do that just to help me through a bad day. I know other people who have been or are going through the same journey and their strength is double mine. My doctors say it's normal to feel the way I do. The guilt, the hurt. Feeling like a burden. I'm not convinced though. As of the 4th of July, I will be on the active transplant list. A year ago I would of never thought this is who I'd be in a years time but everybody goes through something that changes them in a way that they could never go back to the person they once were.