To you it may be just a dog but to me, she's my best friend. 

My happy place, my light of my life. The one I can cry to and tell my secrets to, knowing she won't tell anyone. The one I know who will be happily waiting for me with unconditional love when I get home. To me, she's the piece of my heart I never thought I'd need to face losing but the time has come where I just don't know how much longer I have with her. 

I love you hub, near or far.
"The person who said diamonds are a girls best friend never owned a dog."

Rest in peace Sarah - 10th February 2000 til 24th December 2013.

My wish

I hope the days come easy and the moments pass slow

And each road leads you where you want to go

And if you're faced with a choice and you have to choose,

I hope you choose the one that means most to you. 

If one door opens to another door closed,

Keep on walking till you find the window. 

If its cold outside show the warmth of your smile. 

But more then anything, 

My wish is that this life becomes all that you want it too.

Your dreams stay big and your worries stay small. 

You never need to carry more then you can hold. 

And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,

I hope you know that someone loves you and wants the same things too. 

This is my wish for you. 

I love you mum & dad. 

 

Happy home day.

Day 16 of my hospital admission and I've finally got the okay to go home. Yes, this was one of the roughest admissions I have had in a very long time, and no I don't feel great but I've learned to accept that I won't feel 100% until transplant time comes. I can't wait to get back to my own bed, my own bathroom and my puppy dog who I miss dearly! It's been 16 days too long. I just want to pack my stuff and get out already! 

Every rose has its thorns and cystic fibrosis definitely is a rose with a fair few! 

My puppy dog whom I miss like crazy! I'm coming home baby ❤️

Day 10

     

It's a new day..

During this time I've learned that, who doesn't look for you, doesn't miss you and who doesn't miss you, doesn't care for you. Destiny determine who enters your life but you're the only one who determines who deserves to stay. That the truth hurts only once but a lie will hurt every time you remember it. And most importantly, there are three things in life that leave without any return; words, opportunity and time. Therefore, you should always value the ones that value you, but don't give anyone the chance to treat you as an option if they're one of your priorities. 

If you can't stick with me consistently through the bad. Don't show your head during my good times. 

Day 9 of my hospital admission, my lung function has gone up 4% but I'm due for another today. Fingers crossed! I'm always looking at the good now, taking each day as it comes and taking the good with the bad. Life's too short to live in the past and dwell. Time is of the essence and everyday is a new day 😊 

Holding on tight.

There's so many ways you can be broken in two but what if it was you who was breaking you in two... And you had no control? Nothing you do, nothing you say... Everything is beyond your control. They say life's a journey, but I wish my path wasn't the one to be worn. How do I stop? How do I turn around? Go back? Turn in a different direction? Guess it's a one way highway and I've come way to far now... May as well just keep going. 

What do you do when you feel like you're drowning while watching everyone breathe at the same time?  

Another day - not feeling the love from my beloved disease. More blood gasses, more x-rays, more doctors, more oxygen, more observations. But whatever. I'm done with it and come to the conclusion that whatever will be, will be. 

Such is life. 

Emotions running high

Laying in my hospital bed. It's 11.22pm on Sunday the 17th of November, 2013. The weekend has been emotionally tough - but I'm proud. I've done well. But just now, everything has hit me. Statistics more then anything. Numbers. Facts... Everything that lays just around a short corner from me now is approaching fast. I wish now more then ever I could slow down time. I'm losing at least 5% of my lungs per week. I have a working 30% at the moment... You do the math. I pray this slows down or my lung function stabalizes itself. Or even better... Miraculously goes up. Even if I gain a 5% more just so I can buy more time. My thoughts need to sleep and so do I. Xx

On the fourth day...

Saturday, November 16th. 

This weekend is my weekend to work my ass off, as Monday is judgement day. 

Oh my god, the day my doctor decides if lung transplant is the way to go or not. Nervous as hell? Understatement. If you know me well, you wouldn't have thought that this day would come around so fast. I always said that I would live as long as possible with my own lungs.. 19 years? That's not long enough! I don't know how I got here and I don't know why it happened so fast but all I know is that only time will tell what's best for me. 

Yesterday my man bought the most amazing flowers for me! 

I love him to pieces. Thanks babe 💗

"Finish every day and be done with it; you have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with old nonsense."

Day 2

It's 11.51pm on day 2 of my hospital admission - things are getting tougher but I never said I was getting weaker.

Current lung function percentage: 30%

Another all time new low. Another slap to the face, another tear shed about the same thing, another day that I have lived through despite the new struggles that have come my way.
Today I received confirmation from my doctor, Professor. By that this will be my last admission before the doctors make a definite decision to whether it's my time to be worked up and evaluated to have double lung transplant. Something I have been avoiding to hear all my life.
Every time the topic of transplant comes up in a conversation with a medical professional it freaks me out and I feel like running for the hills. 

So what, today wasn't the greatest but it doesn't mean tomorrow won't be better. Things take time and good things come to those who wait. I can be patient. 

Another admission.

It's November 13th - Day one of my planned admission. My 3rd admission of 2013 - and by the look of things, it most likely will be my roughest. Already I feel like I've been put through the ring. I didn't come here this prepared! Already on a continuous flow of oxygen, had my blood gas test done and a few other blood tests - of which I have no idea what they were for. I guess that's what happens when you're a regular - you get used to it. Sadly. 

Life isn't ever what it seems, is it? The only thing that's garaunteed is death. At the moment, there's not much more I know - or maybe just not much more I'm thinking of. It's funny, one minute i'm wondering if this is just a test from God and telling myself that he wouldn't give me anything I couldn't handle - but in the next breath, I'm wondering if there is a God. 

In tough trying times, sometimes dragging behind them are bittersweet lessons. Like who your true friends are, or even better, what family is holding your hand through it all, with loyalty being held in the other. Fortunately for me, I have so many supportive friends but can count on one hand how many supportive family members. Not many people realise how much a simple card or message or 'thinking of you' can really do when someone is going through unfortunate events. In the past week, I've had limitless messages, calls and texts from friends, telling me they're thinking of me and other kind messages. If you're one of those beautiful people, this ones for you, cause you have given me more hope and more happiness. ❤️ 

There's always a rainbow after the rain - so they say. 🌈

      Photo taken 13/11/2013